My alarm went off this morning at 6:23 for pre-dawn prayer (called Farj), but I did not get out of bed. I did not want to make Ghusl (full ablution). I did not want to pray. I've got a million and one excuses (because I'm good at that), but really, I just did not want to get up. I shut my alarm off and went back to sleep.
I don't know why Salat (the mandatory five prayers a day) is so hard for me. It's not just the pre-dawn prayers. Sometimes it's hard to make myself take 10/15 minutes in the middle of the day to worship and thank the Creator (Subhanu wa t'Allah) who made me and brought me to this wonderful place in my life. You put it like that and it seems pretty simple, right? Then why do I have to fight myself so hard?
When I began to seriously consider converting to Islam, I knew that if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right - I can't cherry pick parts of the religion I love and leave the rest. I am thinking of the verse in the Bible where Jesus (Peace be upon him) said "For the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." That seems to be the story of my life right now.
For NA, I am creating a "Boundaries List." The Boundaries List is a list of people places and things that an addict needs to cut out of their life. There is a certain person who I really struggled to put on my boundaries list and I have been talking to addicts about it for days now. I finally made the decision that this person cannot be in my life at this point and wrote their name down. I haven't heard from them in a few days, but this morning they called me. I ignored the first call, but they called right back a second time and I answered. I haven't officially cut ties with this person; yes, I've been dragging my feet. Yet, I knew I shouldn't have answered that phone call. That's why I ignored the first one. Yes, Allah (Suhanu wa t'Allh), my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
I don't know why Salat (the mandatory five prayers a day) is so hard for me. It's not just the pre-dawn prayers. Sometimes it's hard to make myself take 10/15 minutes in the middle of the day to worship and thank the Creator (Subhanu wa t'Allah) who made me and brought me to this wonderful place in my life. You put it like that and it seems pretty simple, right? Then why do I have to fight myself so hard?
When I began to seriously consider converting to Islam, I knew that if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right - I can't cherry pick parts of the religion I love and leave the rest. I am thinking of the verse in the Bible where Jesus (Peace be upon him) said "For the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." That seems to be the story of my life right now.
For NA, I am creating a "Boundaries List." The Boundaries List is a list of people places and things that an addict needs to cut out of their life. There is a certain person who I really struggled to put on my boundaries list and I have been talking to addicts about it for days now. I finally made the decision that this person cannot be in my life at this point and wrote their name down. I haven't heard from them in a few days, but this morning they called me. I ignored the first call, but they called right back a second time and I answered. I haven't officially cut ties with this person; yes, I've been dragging my feet. Yet, I knew I shouldn't have answered that phone call. That's why I ignored the first one. Yes, Allah (Suhanu wa t'Allh), my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak.
Lately I've been falling short of responsibilities. I've been battling lack of motivation and have shut almost everything out of my world except NA, mental health services, Islam and church, and a few close friends and family. I'm told that that's the way it has to be at first for some. One addict said "If you have to get rid of every negativity in your life and you're left with nothing, what do you have? You've got us." But I feel a little claustrophobic right now. I'm used to doing, doing, doing and not so much of the letting go and just being. I have work assignments three months overdue, emails I'm avoiding, friends I'm avoiding, things to come clean about. It feels like tight coils of failure wrapped around my body.
I'm a black and white/all or nothing thinker. That is, I see things as incredible or terrible; my actions are either perfect or complete failures.
It's hard for me to see anything in between or recognize that, hey,
sometimes life happens. Some things just are. And forget acceptance of short comings.
I guess it all comes down to surrender again, doesn't it? And living life on life's terms. The person in question is on my boundaries list. I need to write the email telling them goodbye. I need to level with my boss and my friend. In fact, I did lay a trap for myself to level with the friend. I let out the ominous "we need to talk," when we see each other today. Can't get out of that.
They talk about "white-knuckling it" in NA until you are at a place where you are ready to surrender. That's what I'm doing. I'll have 30 days clean and sober on Chritmas, insha Allah, and right now, earning that key tag means the whole fucking world to me. I am not kidding. My hands are sore, though. My grip is not as strong. I know I need to let go and fall into my safety net, but shit! Do you see how far down it is?
I fuck up sometimes. Shocker, I know. I'm human. I'm learning that this is okay. We've all been there. We all have the same story, more or less. I want to face the music, let go and let God (Subhanu wa T'Allah). Maybe then I can breathe again and start working on living life on life's terms, which, I'm sure is key to surrender.
Strength, Lord (Subhanu wa t'Allah); strength and wisdom.
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Thanks for your time and words! :]