Masha'Allah - One queer transman's conversion to Islam

As many of you are aware, I recently made the decision to convert to Islam. I'm sort of feeling like a patient in an ER room; you know, every time someone new comes in the room, you have to explain all over again why you are there. And then I thought to myself, "Oh, duh! I have a blog!" So, here's the story from the beginning:

I was raised in one of those lovely Charismatic/Evangelical/Word of Faith mega churches you see on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. I had a lot of issues with the church. My friends and I were harassed in the youth group for being different. I was goth. I smoked. I was Pagan. I identified as bisexual. God's (Subhana wa T'Allah) love. pft

I used to look around during praise and worship and crave what I saw on others' faces: the religious bliss, the strength in God (Suhana wa T'Allah) to make it through anything that life would through at you, peace of mind. I tried to be a good Christian. It seemed that the more I gave of my soul, the further I felt from God (Subhana wa T'Allah).

Shortly after I went into foster care at the age of 15, I left my parents' church. My friend Justin and I went from church to church trying different ones, but nothing satiated me. I have always had a desperate thirst for an intimate connection with the Divine, but I didn't know how to achieve that.
When I was 16, I started reading all the religious and spiritual texts I could get my hands on. My thirst was stirred up by my sophomore English teacher, Mr. Bowe, a Lutheran, who spoke of the Taoist concept of Wu Wei. He had us read the book "My Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn in class, and spoke to me about the concept of doing vs. being (something that still greatly eludes me). I drank it all up and wanted more.

One of the texts I got a hold on was The Glorious Qur'an. didn't pay too much attention to it. I had very little knowledge of Islam. In fact, the only other contact I'd had with Islam was in 7th grade. I was enrolled in an online charter school and one of my school friends was a Muslimah (female Muslim). She sent me some information on Islam and I cried thinking that my friend was going to hell. In my tiny post-9/11 world, Islam still conjured images of oppressed women in burkas and sand. I'm not even sure I read it at all.

Again in Toledo, at age 18, I picked up the Qur'an from the library. I don't recall the reason. I remember being high one day and finally opening it (Astugh-fer-Allah Allahu Akber) and, even in my clouded state of mind being struck by it. One more time that year, I got the Qur'an from the library. This copy I never returned. (Astugh-fer-Allah Allahu Akber)

I put Islam out of my mind for years. My copy of the Qur'an was lost in the move from Toledo to Canton, but this year around August or so, while chasing down some Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) songs on Youtube, I stumbled across "Give Thanks To Allah" by Zain Bhikha, a well-known Muslim singer from South Africa. The song really grabbed me and I listened to it over and over. It was so soothing to me. Eventually, I looked up more of his music and the more I found, the more I liked it: songs such as "Allah Knows" - "Every sparkling tear/On every eyelash/He knows/Every thought I have/And every word I share/He knows/Allah knows"

This sounded like the God (Suhana wa T'Allah) I was looking for.

I continued seeking out more and more Islamic "nasheeds," as that type of music is called, and began studying Islam in depth. What I found, was the answer to my thirst. I couldn't get enough. I learned about he five pillars of Islam, learned to pray Salat and started getting up in the morning for pre-dawn prayer, Farj.

I felt so refreshed, but there was a war going on inside my head. My bestie, Brigid, put it best: "Why would you want to join a religion that doesn't want you?" Yes ladies and gentlemen, Muslims and non-Muslims, in case you somehow missed the memo, I'm queer as fuck.

I found an awesome organization called Muslims For Progressive Values, which, in their principles, states: "We endorse the human and civil rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, and queer (LGBTIQ) individuals. We support full equality and inclusion of all individuals, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, in society and in the Muslim community. We affirm our commitment to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity." I just sat at the computer and cried. I knew there had to be other people out there like me, but I'd felt so isolated. Finding this organization was such a affirmation of my Self. I knew I wasn't alone.

Islam has given me the ritual I so love and the connection with the Divine that I so crave. It has given words to what I have been searching for. It has motivated me to better myself and be more loving to those around me. It has filled me with strength and hope and has given me a second chance at life, but I had to first come to a place where I was willing to allow Him to move me. I couldn't see past what the church did or the hateful version of God (Subhana wa T'Allah) that I was taught.

Alhamdullilah; Allahhu akbar! It is amazing what happens when you follow the path of God (Subhana wa T'Allah), no? As I sit here, I feel peace within myself in a place that has grown heavier and heavier for the last three and a half years. It is a peace that, inadvertently, I have been running from. I never would have made it here without His guidance.

Lately I have been feeling so discouraged. I've not been able to see "the light at the end of the tunnel" as they say. Instead, my life has felt like some fucked up Alice in Wonderland cover. It's funny how much of that I've been creating myself. In any case, this despair has found its way into my faith. I have been doubting myself and my pledge to Allah (Subhana wa T'Allah). In my prayers, I asked always for two things: wisdom to know His will and the strength to carry it out. During Dhuhr prayer Sunday, Allah (Subhana wa T'Allah) brought this hadith to my heart:

"Allah's Messenger said that Allah said: He who comes with a good deed, its reward will be ten like that or even more. And he who comes with vice, his reward will be only one like that, or I can forgive him. He who draws close to Me a hand's span, I will draw close to him an arm's length. And whoever draws near Me an arm's length, I will draw near him a fathom's length. And whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running. And whoever faces Me with sins nearly as great as the earth, I will meet him with forgiveness nearly as great as that, provided he does not worship something with me."

God (Subhana wa T'Allah), in all His grace has held to me when I do not have the strength in my own hands, masha'Allah.